Addendum to my “advice for people….” below.
(I would be adding quite a bit in nuanced detail and general detail to every single entry, and particularly this to make sure its as precise and helpful as possible. When I do anything, I literally dont have the means to retain all of the information at one time. There are novels worth and I only have so much energy and focus, but especially when majority of my energy is still being stolen by my own family. Simply too much to explain - so much unacknowledged forever still carrying still trying but always proven correct)

I don’t have much time or energy so its not the best day, but in terms of the substance use. I believe wise use of substances can be beneficial and maybe is necessary to some degree to have further understanding and part of life for many people at some point or another. There is not one route to get to the destination. And at the same time many people just dont have the discipline. If you dont do things wisely you can also easily fry your brain or discernment, which happens quite often to people who use or abuse stimulants. Everything I talk about requires strength and discipline. The most developed people have experienced many sides of things and learned from it and grown, rather than staying the way they were. At some point or another many people just stumble into this or have some type of addiction in life that hurts them and others. These things have to be addressed at the root. Again, my parents have always had the mentality of the opposite. They want masks in general to cover things… masks for their true personality and behavior… masks in pills rather than addressing anything as it actually is. Psychedelics benefited me the most by far in terms of substance. Im not advocating do substances either, again to be clear. Im saying its just often a part of life and it doesnt have to be looked down upon either. There are many drugs and theyre not all substances and many addictions people go through in general.

I am the only one from that family to care to break the cycle, to care to develop themselves. The fact after so many years… so many decades… i dont have the words. Its like i was pitted against evil my whole life and i was pure … but they just kept subjecting me to their actions and blaming me… i never had a say… so i could never be responsible.. but i was blamed anyway.. i knew what was right i knew what was wrong.. but i got no control no decisions to make… this is also the reason why the only things left i had were my values and personal development.. truth.. etc.. they stole everything else.. so that contributed to my values.

They have none of the knowledge i do and i learned everything i know that is true from myself and things ive proven over time, scientifically, mathematically, etc. They have no understanding of things i do and it was the same when i was 12 years old. i just knew better generally. but they couldnt accept that. they had to control. something deeply wrong at their core. I shouldnt be going back to this but speed bump in texting my dad today and thats always futile and gives him what he wants so … only happens just having nothing at all.. and being reminded he and my mom are still actively plotting against me and getting away with this.. and im not having support.. but at least ive documented and stood on ten this time all the way instead of capitulating like i did when i was young and hadnt proven everything. As long as i didnt prove everything to the extent i did id still be giving my parents excuses. theyd still get away with exploiting my goodwill and heart and wanting love… ill never believe them again because i kept giving benefits of doubt for nearly 40 years. It was that bad that it got me that way.

——-

Some advice to real people that actually care to be good people in society and value human development, etc.

Even this alone, I could expand to a novel on health and wellbeing, detail from the micro to macro… etc… I have proven my knowledge to myself so well.. i wish i had a chance to share with those who deserve to know and utilize. I would love to share waht people shoudl be doing and be aware of in totality and how to integrate things adn so on.. This is the right way of being. Everything i type would be a first draft off the cuff thing cus it just is… i dont get to have the patience or lack of pain to really address things better at least currently. But its better than the past year was. Even if im getting less needs met im still being able to do this and be consistent and accept what is. Even that i made it so far and so close… maybe i just dont get to be or show what i was in fruition ever or just enjoy even one day as i should… it could be right now… just putting things in the right place.. proper mathematics.. proper positioning proper timing etc.. i could see it all but just had no agency… and youd think people could see cus for me its so obvious who i am and theres something unique there. i cant deny . theres something unique in the states of mind i can go to… the different levels of flow state and meditative states.. all types of things that should have value… if only there were enough people that got to the same or similar levels who actually held themselves accountable and did all that i did to get where i am and meet me there.

This is all i get to have… to leave something behind.. and maybe nobody even values it or even gets to see it or cares to see it or understand the magnitude of any of it.

What is registered as painful is a sign to be addressed, not to be denied or blamed as the victim for… in my case anyway!!!
I can only have enough room if im not tormented as much… so theres only so much… inevitably something will break for me and then more will pile on when i needed support..
See how that works? tried explaining this to people and still got no understanding. is everyone in the world sub 100 iq and the ones above it have the worst judgement ive ever seen? how many are on substances like stimulants which hurt discernment ability? how many survived what i did and lived to tell the tale without brain damage or otehr issues stagnating or misleading? my whole life ive been enduring these wrongs and proving further and further and further… so i can literally only operate at this point knowing whats coming in advance and not having agency but knowing i tried my best. knowing i put in extreme amounts of time and energy that most people never could and certainly not my parents. i was right to accept death at 16 and yet i still get no credit for anything. i turned out to be right about most of it and what i got wrong i corrected nad learned from and kept growing and growing … probaly only get this type of person when you have all else stolen and its just survival basically.. all i had was what i taught and learned from myself overcoming and proving all the bs around me wrong and callling it out and advancing with what works and doesnt… so to have these two monsters still on my throat… again theres no words for it.

I will need to tap out completely before they do even worse at some point.

—

Sept 4 Thoughts in Reflection and Trauma, while trying to not go back repeating much anymore (difficult is an understatement) -

I don’t even want to get into this stuff, but let me clarify some more. Repeating or not. Trying my best like always. Using up energy that should not be wasted at all anymore. 

I’ve never even seen my dad ever exercise in my life, no runs no lifting nothing. This guy taught me none of what I had to learn for myself. The wisdom I share comes from my own development. It’s just always the biggest slap and reminder to be alive at all while this guy who’s like the opposite of me pretends to be good. I’ll call it out e saw a for anyone. There are people that actually work hard and then there are people who pretend and it’s not difficult to find out who the true person is because their totality of being will be completely different and can crumble in any test. 

Regardless, even people that grew and learned as much as I have can still never have a say and become slaves to really bad people 

It’s hard to live with when you were working harder than that guy could ever imagine but he just pretended like he was the hardest worker in the world w the hardest job and never stopped complaining to me and put all that weight on me and never ever stopped. To this day still speaking on money while he stole all mine and wasted everything and created this narrative as if he’s been helping the whole time when … it’s just every single detail has that upside down thing… that’s why it overwhelmed so badly.. that and the amounts of pains I live with today… that he’s responsible for… that I used to hide and deny to cope… that I couldn’t anymore after a point. 

And… they never changed. They never will change. And like I said… basically I’ve seen everything okay out imo knew in my gut since childhood so at 40… it’s a wrap, if I don’t have control finally… this entire lifetime where these two monsters just stole it all and lied to people and me… again I wish no ill will.  I just need to be left alone before it is too late. I believe it will go as I’ve felt because people could have shamed my dad and he’s the type that would only listen through something like that. I stand on everything i say forever. 

My parents can’t do that or any of these things I’ve done. These two are still alcoholics or my mom is anyway and …yeah they just don’t care…  

So there’s no changing people like this, and what kind of people could my siblings be to just ignore and never speak to me and label me the bad guy just like my parents? Very indicative. They’d all rather just scapegoat me rather than acknowledge reality and for me I just can’t not be honest about things I earned that living through agonizing stuff and just never having control while I worked my a off and got no credit and nothing for it just survival and my moral values being upheld and at least I knew I was doing the right things. It meant something to me and still does. I don’t know why other people don’t have these values except that they just didn’t develop them. I remember what it was like when I was weaker and spoiled and more naive but that was decades ago. And let me be clear as well when I speak about painkillers… again my parents are responsible for even having me on them in the first place. I’d have stuck with weed if allowed. They never care for their actions and what they did to me. Just blamed me. Still blaming me for their actions and I’m living with it. Oh yea the point though… painkillers were a long time ago and I bring that up only to show the things I’ve overcame and my knowledge and so on… it’s just one small example in a large sea of life I’ve lived and done the right thing like this over and over and over again with no credit. It’s this kind of stuff that makes a real man. Repeatedly never giving up, knowing you’ve done the right thing every day… I’m proud of that and it means something to me that I can stand on that every day. That’s something they don’t have either. 

All this stuff comes with physical pains also the body and mind are interconnected and they have seriously abused me when they could have been fair and nice… it’s about control. I basically became an expert on those types of people.

I’d like to have more positive to say rather than go back at all to explain. 

I don’t want to go back anymore. 

If you just look at me and then look at them … not just surface level ready to discard like I’ve dealt with my whole life, and used to accept before I learned I was right and my parents were even way worse than I’d known and most people were worse than I’d realized and accomplished none of what I’d been able to… 

it’s like why did I even spend more than ten seconds on this because there’s so much wrong I’ve been living with… I could never go that far without support but try explaining to people who don’t have the experience knowledge or strength when you’re a rarity and you know it and nobody gives you credit.

The value of an honest and good man with strength in this world… it’s increasingly rare. But only I could see the value. It’s not the fault of everyone else that didn’t get to meet me or see and it’s futile anyhow 

Trauma for a lifetime sets me back …and the writing itself .. still too triggering. 

It’s sad that people can’t recognize because the real ones are few and far between working in silence whilst watching those fake garbage people lie and steal and cheat and never ever care that’s my parents and the gov and all these manipulative garbage people in the world who sell everyone out for their own pleasure… I care… but many other people don’t. 

It can’t end where I can live unless my parents stop… but they won’t… so I have to accept and move on somewhat soon. 

I can go back to the mode of explaining and going to each detail at any time but I shouldn’t be put through that or really waste any time anymore ..I don’t really have the time… the sad thing is I have to live with knowing every damn detail my dad is responsible for stealing from me. He and my mother are true monsters based on their evil actions - my dad is so evil that he still plays victim when I call out his evil actions… what kind of person could still after decades play this game? Selling their kids out for what? 

wtf. It was supposed to be strangers and other people that would bully or abuse but I got it from my parents who played multiple sides and never stopped the games and I know are fully incapable of it. At least I broke the cycle on my end. I did the right things and I stand until the day it ends. 

I never should have had to type to a screen or tell a screen over and over. 

There are no words to express it. 

It was the most long drawn out and painful thing to repeat and have them be responsible for each detail… I can’t express it enough. 

To live with it each day, and see no accountability or shame or remorse or anything proved to me thee prepped severely lack empathy and have evil in them because of it. They lied about me and details over and over and still to this day - til the day they die they’ll lie and play games and for me it’s the opposite and I think this is how it often goes… the weaker people in a family become like the parents that way and continue to spread illness and wrong and the rare stronger person will break that but it’s much less common. 

You can see how little support I’ve received and it’s a shame so much on social media and crap is fake and then people don’t even know wtf is real and don’t have the same expertise or think as far. 

I’m still having to go all this from a sort of cage basically and under duress, but I do the best I can. I wish I wasn’t under so much so I could make sure there’s no more repetition or lack in progress. 

I think even just the trauma of existing and doing anything at all and immediately being critiqued … from my parents… nobody could ever compare to that type of bullying and gaslighting. 

They’re true monsters and I would even feel bad if something happened to them still but they don’t feel bad for things happening to me they just look away and caused most of it to begin with… the trauma makes it go around again and make it difficult not to latch to and type on.. being very intelligent and aware has that other part of it that’s very painful.

This has to end because it’s been so wrong for me to keep living with and I was accepting reality back at 16 even… I’ve always done the right things when it came down to it and worked my a off to do it while my dad and mom lied to people and didn’t let me live… too much they did to hold me back directly and lied about… and I have to remember all of it like it’s yesterday. 

Instead of support I got mostly jealously and hate and covert hate and people like my parents could come and abuse further cus that’s all I knew and then … I don’t want to go in circles. Some days they’ll be longer drawn out thoughts like this and some not. 

I wish my parents genuinely cared rather than cared to build a narrative and that people could have seen my talent and knowledge and strength and not downplayed and discarded it all because it was and is real and unbreakable. 

What happens is you have to take on so much at a time… easy to get lost… me my own self even, and much easier for the reader.. 

Bullet points, would be super simple to paint an accurate picture of my parents even just like that but there’s just so much that comes up at any moment … and it’s very painful to live with. 

So many simple bullet points could be made if I didn’t have the emotion to bring me back down. If I’d had support. It’s simply math. And I’m very strong; much stronger than people ever gave me credit for. They couldn’t have done a tiny fraction. 

Too many undeniable bullet points that make it so obvious how evil or nuts my parents are but they still keep it going. 

By no acknowledgement it’s only gaslighting by default this many years later. It’s beyond just nuts. Literal decades I’ve endured it. 

But you put someone in a situation where they never get it and they see their parents and the most evil people in society just get away with everything… while they did right and never stop… very hard to live with the fact that I did my job and knowing how they are so well combined. 

Those kinds of people just take and take and take and they would be able to manipulate anyone playing victim. But they’re not the actual victim. And Ive been so badly abused I had to spend my time doing this even in the end. I had no choice but to address everything every day and I’d have lived my life and been free had people helped out but I was by myself against two monsters and a family that helped cover and pile on. …So easy to just be like oh yea he’s crazy… that’s what I endured my whole life rather than just give me what I was owed or just simply allow me to live at all. 

And to tell a true victim to just keep going to therapy speaking to people who have no business telling you anything or to put up with proven abuses, etc… antithetical to growth and what’s right and enables the victimizer to continue. There’s a completely antithetical medical system and most people I guess don’t understand like I do. Monsters were able to dictate while I had understanding and health on my side but they succeeded because nobody eve called them on it or held them accountable, period. Why was I always the one to be piled on? And why would today be no different? 

It’s all unacceptable. And yet I’ll still put myself through hell again putting up with things I know I shouldn’t because I’m a fucking warrior and it’s what I do, but no one lives forever and no one should live like I did.

—————-

Sept 3 Night - Its basically at the same time i lost the ability to run around 5 miles a day, and the nerve pain stuff, Thats when things started going downhill for the last time but I never gave up. Once i stopped being able to run, I lost that one thing that really reduced even the worst of stress, and it was something I could tolerate the pain of doing. I still ran with all the pain for many years, and it still helped me even then, but damn.. everything i did had that too, but i didnt talk about it, and at least the running could help me get through it… but i got to 40 years old and eventually things start getting more difficult and only then my dad just showed up and acts like nothing ever happened... i cant blame myself when i know i was doing everything while my dad was just ignoring me. he just threw away the time.it was mine. timing means a lot too in this life. once i did finally go on the nerve pain med which helped it also takes a toll and i only did it because it was a last resort, to be on any meds is a last resort to me. my parents … forget it. all the stress wouldnt have existed if my parents had ever listened. literally just listened and wanted to help… yeah they give stuff like randomly or partially things or delayed by ten years or something always to break it completely when it wouldnt have been.. and then i had to deal with them portraying me as bad or crazy or all the stuff they subjected me to over the years. the gaslighting is off the chain with these people saying they literally want to help but never helping. so im done engaging with them… done.

he never cared. he comes around many years later…. pretending he was always there.. just makes it worse.. always just ignoring reality.. now its even worse at his age… anyway… i dont want to make this like this. i want to just leave things now. things i think that matter for others. i tried to live life the right way. i know i developed myself and grew from naive and weak to strong and developed human being. and i wish more people were like that. im honest about everything. its part of my morality. i do the right things so i dont have to lie. i dont rightfully get blamed because i do the right things and i know it. after all ive been through no one can tell me otherwise. I cant be wasting the rest of my time explaining anything anymore. So much has been stolen from me already and theres no credit for that ever either. No more.

——————

(I am trying very hard to get these things to work to provide all evidence and documentation. Its giving me all these errors. I managed to upload a good amount to Wix but i cant get the thing to be viewed to the public. its only letting me upload one photo at a time here and i have 76 texts just for the one specific part i want to upload today. I really could have used proper support which would have been easy to listen to. everything could have been avoided including being overwhelmed or forced into such painful states.
These texts really matter where as my attempts the last year were sabotaged due to how overwhelmed i still was - as i was still stuck in fight or flight mode - and im further from now but still near… now my ig gets no traction. and i got little to no support. After all, i see the world for what it is undeniably. It has to be over. My entire life i was not able to have agency over my own life and decision making. My father just stole it all. Never stops pretending like hes this great person. Had me defending him and making excuses for most of my life. Cant possibly anymore. Hes that evil consistently every single day ignoring. not helping.. saying how much he wants to help on top of it. making zero sense.

no one ever did anything to him…. only me. And there in lies the root of the problem. i was healthy all along. He was broken. My mom was broken. Theyre still broken and will always be. Theres no fixing that. Especially at their age. And what Do i have left? i wasted my life and energy on this guy… and if you could only see all the time begging wasted because he stole the options so young… everyone just kept piling on… no acknowledgment of anything thats happened in 40 years.

So many texts that prove a lot definitively also i even actually managed to upload in a concise presentation, but nowhere solid to go. Only so much energy left. The text logs of course with each of my parents show the whole truth going back decades.

If I dont get to get it all out and survive at least i know i did everything in my power. Its just nobody ever listened and helped me to protect myself from them. They have some type of defect in the mind, its not possible to fix. Forever will be presenting as helping but never listening to a single thing day to day for years and years on end. Playing games and pivoting while i was genuine as could be and just stated what was every day and never played those games… too disgusting to participate. Well this was out of pocket.)

——————-

First and foremost, one of the main reasons for this website is to defend myself, protect myself, and simply tell the truth of my life over the span of 4 decades. At age 40, I cannot live with this massive weight any longer and also keep it inside where it only poisons myself. My parents are responsible for their actions. I blame them because they are responsible. It isn’t rocket science. It is called logic.
They dont know how to accept blame for their own actions. It’s actually insane to me. They dont know how to apologize or take accountability for their own actions. I think there can be a general consensus amongst people regarding that… that it’s wrong.

They've never been held accountable for any of their actions. People never gave me a chance to prove myself against them. People just needed to listen to me and give me a chance to speak logically and calmly with support for the first time ever. I never had that kind of support versus my parents and I only recently have had the unwavering confidence to consistently fight, but its been a solid year or two of that. The other platforms I tried to speak out on have not been working out in terms of reaching people. (I dont know how to remove this underline squiggle right now.)

The penile nerve pain was only the latest diagnosis from the urologist I needed support for. That began 3 years ago. My parents proved to only play games and purposefully hurt me by ignoring me and every fact i said, omitting time and details repeatedly. They made everything much more difficult rather than help. The actual details of that are horrific. I had given the benefit of the doubt too much. I was too consumed with my own stuff and i used to have a bigger ego too and was somewhat spoiled when i was young. Its to be expected the way my parents bought so much for no reason for me. absolutely terrible to do to a little kid unless you want to set them up to be screwed and expect more than they should have and didnt earn themselves. my parents set everyrhign up like this against me on purpose for control then took it all away at a particular age so i was left with the direct opposite. i never got to live in that house like them and enjoy anything. i had to hide away in a corner of the house that was my own space to exist. eventually my dad took the hinges off the bedroom door so i didnt even have that. I could never leave. i was not allowed to see friends. and i was lied about told i was crazy relentlessly.

Turns out i wasnt crazy. Turns out i was actually very logically coherent and not stupid like they said at all. i was being abused very badly.

i worked on all of this stuff for a very long time. They have proven to me that they severely lack empathy and selectively choose to “care” only when they want to portray something useful for their story.

i used to be able to deny it to some degree and i sas gaslit so much i always went back to beating up on myself and just bending over.

The fact that I am 40 years old now and I feel i have never genuinely been heard and understood my entire life says A LOT.

Accountability: Without it, things only get worse, spread further. I could have became like them. I saw signs in myself when i was younger. I still have damages im aware of from trying to adapt and cope with many abuses in childhood and so on. I work on that stuff everyday because i care who i affect as a human. i have actual empathy. my parents have proven they dont have that inside of them. ive been doing the work for so long. In a world i feel is full of infants that have no concept of what this experience would truly be like but will judge you at the drop of a hat and want to be angry or emotional in any direction that gives them feeling on a primitive level, and its all just par for the course and to be expected in this world.

I want this to be timeless and i want everything i tried to do here to be forever, in case i am not around to defend myself. They have proven to be monsters. I didnt want that to be true. I cannot ever deny their behavior again and make excuses and benefits of doubt any longer. That was all remnants of the abuse and trauma to do that at all. But worse is the financial abuse that continued that forced me to have to interact with him again and again.

Over and over, the truth is that i had no options and my parents exploited that. People always discarded me as if i wasnt trying hard enough. Ill always know what i experienced and never be able to forget a single detail or the anger that comes with it. There are no words for such pains.

I never wanted to come to this conclusion regarding my parents. Ive gone back to but maybe he is just really really stupid and needs explaining to.. he used to… (really just trying to find any excuse i could for my dad) Because he was not very good at things, while i usually could do things very well. And never seemed to really pay attention anyway. In the end it seems he did not care as much as i thought he did. And my mother, well she seems broken. Doesnt have the financial abuse thing at all. Just doesnt care to offer anything to me. She and my dad are forever just victims. I cannot be a victim in their minds, surely not a greater victim than they are. Meanwhile they are perpetrators. But yeah the point of this last part here is all i ever wanted was parents that were normal and would listen to me and love me authentically. I thought that they did. I still wish that could be true. But they have been tested forever and when i was screaming, in tears, or begging in the worst of times they were never there. When i was very young, I did feel a feeling of love from them sometimes. Maybe they did until I got up to a certain age. That is when i felt them change more. My mom seemed to compete with me rather than support, she is very selfish and has jealousy which is weird to me. My dad went into fully controlling. They were very cold. Sometimes they could be nice though, so it was confusing. Sometimes they would change very quickly from nice to angry for no reason. They were different towards my siblings. My sister got this perfect treatment where she could do no wrong. My dad has a strange dynamic with my mother and women at the root. My brother, I didnt see any of the treatment I received, but i was not so involved with him all the time. From what I saw he didnt get the same treatment either.

Anyway, I had to accept who they are through all of their repeated actions, and their complete inability to show remorse, understanding of their own bad behavior or any acknowledgement whatsoever, etc.

These things mean a lot to me.